• Your favorite pickup line is, "What's your favorite augmented sixth chord?"
• You can look at a piece by Bach and say, "You know, I think he could have gotten a much better effect this way . . ."
• You like to march around your room to the rhythms of Stravinsky's "Le Sacre du Printemps."
• You love to quote Walter Piston.
• You long for the good old days of movable G-clefs.
• You like polytonal music because, hey, the more keys the merrier.
• You dream in four parts.
• You feel the need to end Tchaikovsky's Pathetique Symphony with a picardy third.
• You can improvise 16th century counterpoint with no trouble, but you frequently forget how to tie your shoes.
• You lament the decline of serialism.
• You enjoy the tang of a tritone whenever you can.
• You like to deceive your friends and loved ones with deceptive cadences.
• You only drink fifths, and then you laugh at the pun.
• Instead of counting sheep, you count sequences.
• You only sing tunes that make good fugal subjects.
• You find free counterpoint too liberal.
• Moussorgsky's "Hopak" gives you nightmares.
• You wonder what a "Danish Sixth" would sound like.
• The Corelli Clash gives you goosebumps.
• You can hear an enharmonic modulation coming a mile away.
• You have ever done a Schenkerian analysis on "Three Blind Mice."
• You have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on John Cage's "4'33".
• You have hosted a "Gurrelieder" party.
• You have ever pondered what an augmented seventh chord would sound like.
• Bass motion by ascending thirds or a sequential pattern with roots in ascending fifths immediately strikes you as "belabored."
• You know what the ninth overtone of the harmonic series is off the top of your head.
• You can name ten of Palestrina's contemporaries.
• You can answer your phone with a tonal or a real answer.
• You have ever heard a wrong note in a performance of a piece by Berio, Stockhausen, or Boulez.
• You suspiciously check all the music you hear for dangling sevenths.
• When you're feeling particularly prankish, you transpose Mozart arias to locrian mode.
• You keep a notebook of useful diminutions.
• Those "parasitic" dissonances make you queasy, especially when left unresolved.
• You have composed variations on a theme by Anton Webern.
• You know the difference between a Courante and a Corrente.
• You have trained your dog to jump through a flaming circle of fifths.
• You have ever used the word "fortspinnung" in polite conversation.
• You feel cheated by evaded cadences.
• You have a poster of Allen Forte in your room.
• You know who Allen Forte is.
• Every now and then you like to kick back and play something in hypophrygian mode.
• You wonder why there aren't more types of seventh chords.
• You wish you had twelve fingers.
• You abbreviate your shopping list using figured bass.
• You always make sure to invert your counterpoint, just in case.
• You have ever told a joke that had this punchline: "because it was POLYPHONIC!"
• You know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.
• You consider all music written between 1750 and 1920 to be "rather elementary."
• You memorize dates and times by what they would sound like in set theory.
• You can not only identify any one of Bach's 371 Harmonized Chorales by ear, but you also know on what page it appears in the Riemenschneider edition and how many suspensions it has in the first seven bars.
• You got more than half of the jokes in this list.

You can Telemann by where he likes to live. I just Toch a trip Orff into one of the Wilder areas Faure Wieck, and to be Verdi Franck, it nearly drove Menotti.

I know opinion Varese, but even Vivaldi urban noises, the Bizet traffic, De Falla engines, as well as knowing there are Mennin the streets Callas enough to knock your Bloch off. I couldn't resist the urge to Galuppi home early Satie, and I Haieff to say I Still prefer the Mitropoulos. The Boyce were Sor that I had Gibbons up and succumbed to the Riegger of the Field so easily, but I don't give a Schuetz.

I was practically Krein from my Severacs and Pains brought on by that brief time in the countryside! Even the sounds got my Dandrieu up; let me Liszt some of them: the Rorem of the wind, a constant Birtwhistle, the Menuhin of the Katz, the Lipatti-Patti-Glinka-Poulenc of the Reiner on the roof, the Gluck-Gluck of the hens, and every morning a woodpecker or some Byrd Chopin holes in a Tree. My only company was a Thorne Busch, a Partch of poison Ives, a Braun Babbit, and sometimes a Wolf, nothing Moore. For a Forrest Grainger it may be Fine - it may be the Katz Milhaud — but I could have died of Borodin. A friend suggested my making this Tureck; "Abegg" his pardon, but I will never go Bach to those Gotterdaemmerung Hillis. They Suk!

No, I don't care for the Ruggles life. I like a good Mehul - a little Suppe, some Szigeti, maybe some Salome at my local Taverner with a little lime Schubert after (even if they don't always clear the Crumbs off the table). And I like to Locatelli while I'm Eaton Maderna at night. Is that asking for Egk in Meyerbeer?

Nono! So many people Berio themselves under a Holst of problems they know they can't Handel. Their answer is too Offenbach to nature - into Haydn, it seems to me. I Karajan a d'Indy life in the Berg for the most Paert. Maybe it isn't Perle Bliss for everybody, but it's Godunov for me.

• Beethoven: "Erotica" Symphony
• Telephon 1-900-453-5646
• Amsterdam Concertgeboom Orchestra
• Bernard Hijinks, conductor

• Beethoven: Infidelio
• Endive 647876
• Chorus and Orchestra of the Vienna State Opera for the Criminally Insane
• Kari Rictus, conductor

• Berlioz: Harlots in Italy
• Seraglio 1648
• William Pimpnose, viola
• Montmartre Philandermonique de Chambre
• Nikolous Hardoncourt, conductor

• Bloch: Schlemiel
• Epic 1-989
• Mischa Mainsqueeze, cello
• Cantspell Czech Philharmonic Orchestra
• Vladimir Ashcanausea, conductor

• Debussy: La Merde
• Nosuch II 455
• Academy of Prince Albert in the Can
• Sir Colin Divot, conductor

• Gershwin: Rhapsody in Puce
• Odium 288
• MTV Symphony Orchestra
• Leonard Sideburns, conductor

• Liszt: Les Quaaludes
• Angle DS 847569
• L'Orchestre de la Swiss Cheese
• Karl Boom, conductor

• Mendelssohn: Accidental Music to " A Midsummer Night's Dream"
• Capitalist 3777
• Bathroom Festival Orchestra
• Daniel Barenbomb, conductor

• Mendelstotter: Peace March of the Priests
• Deutsche Gestalt Gemxtlichkest 3330-676f
• Stuttgart Chamber of Commerce Orchestra
• Raymond Leper, conductor

• Mozart: The Magic Schoolbus
• Argyle ML 34277
• Chorus and Orchestra of the Royal Opera House Covert Garden
• Sir Adrian Dolt, conductor

• Mozart: Symphonie Disconcertante
• Enigma 67580
• Anne-Soapy Mutter, violin; Pamela McCuddles-Edelweiss,viola
• The Fitzwilliam Hippocampus Consortium of Miami University
• Akira Nintendo, conductor

• Offenbach: Orpheus in his Underwear
• Erratum STU 77080
• I Solisti de Zig Zagreb
• Loren Mazeltov, conductor

• Orff, Carmina Piranha
• Douche Gramphon 7201-75
• Academy of St. Christopher on the Dashboard
• Sir Neville Marinara, conductor

• Purcell: Trumpet Involuntary
• Serigraph S 64749
• Winton Veal Marsala, trumpet
• Disneyland Wind Ensemble
• Wilhelm Fahrtwangler, conductor

• Respighi: Ancient Errors and Dunces for the Lout
• Telefunk CX3 42256
• Dumbarton Oaks Chamber Pot Orchestra
• Rafael Freshbatch de Burgers, conductor

• Respighi: The Mountains of Chrome
• Turnover TVA 64784
• Eastman Kodak Symphony Orchestra
• Howard Handsome, conductor

• Respighijklmnoops: The Pines of Sol
• Archaic DT 9477356
• Halley's Comet Orchestra
• Sir John Barbarian, conductor

• Rimsky-Of-Korsakov: Le Coq au Vin
• Turnoff TWA 503472
• Vienna Volkswagon Orchestra
• Richard Boingg, conductor

• Sherbet: Unfurnished Symphony
• Deutsche Gewurztraminer Gazelleschaft 8988
• New York Philanthropic Orchestra
• Earnest Answer-man, conductor

• Shostakovich: Concerto #1 for Piano and Strumpet
• Decadence 95648
• Zoltan Coccyx, piano; William Hips, strumpeter
• Bidetfest Symphony Orchestra
• Wetold Loutaslapstick, conductor

• Smetana: The Battered Broad
• Argot ZPG 746
• Barbarian Radio Orchestra
• Hanns Upp, conductor

• Stravinsky: The Firebug
• Arson Nova 911
• Manuel de Falla Society Orchestra
• Krrysstof Paindernecki, conductor

• Tacobell: Cannon in D
• Megaphon 3455 34
• English Bedchamber Orchestra
• Claudio Abbadabbadoo, conductor

• Tchaikovsky: Tobacco Variations
• Panatela 4655
• Bert Phillips-Morris, cello
• The Philadelphia Tabernacle Strings
• Eugene Mormondy, conductor

• Tchaikovsky: Marche Slob
• His Master's Vice ARSE 8574
• London Pandemonic Orchestra
• Michael Teeter-Totter, conductor